A Dream on a Winter Night

There are posts that are easy to find on popular internet community bulletin boards.

They simply summarize two profiles and ask people which one is better.

Why would someone need advice from strangers they don't even know to decide who to date?

I know now.

It's because they don't feel a strong attraction to anyone.

They're not sure if they can call this feeling love.

They feel the same way about anyone, so they want to meet someone who at least matches their objective conditions.

Hearing advice to not give up on anything and to be picky about people,

they're afraid of getting older and wasting time without meeting anyone. They're afraid they might not be able to turn back.

Time is fair and opportunities are limited, but they don't want to fail.

I finished my relationship and read many books. I also looked for online video lectures about relationships.

Most tragedies start with the misconception that marriage is the final destination.

People are obsessed with marriage as the end of a relationship, but the words, "the real end is separation," struck me deeply.

Marriage is just a middle stage, and the real end of a relationship is separation caused by death.

It made sense, and my heart felt at ease.

I haven't had a proper relationship in all these years. What kind of marriage?

I'm late anyway, so I should just enjoy dating someone I love.

I also took a one-day cooking class and attended a book club.

They said that meeting people through hobbies is better than blind dates, so I did both.

Then, I met someone I liked. He was such a bright person. That's how it started.

He was always bright and fun to be around, even after seeing him for months. He was playful but not rude.

I always laughed with him.

One day, he noticed my feelings and my friend played matchmaker, suggesting we have dinner.

"That's all I can do. You two figure it out from there."

That "figure it out from there" meant it was entirely up to me?

"Alright, let's see if you can resist me." It was finally the real deal.

I was proactive but natural. Intentional but not obvious.

I used all the floating techniques I learned from books, not too much, not too little, and

I could see that his heart, which had been filled with awkwardness, was slowly changing.

"I think I'm falling for you."

A month later, he confessed his love.

We met almost every day. It was happy and we laughed even when we didn't do anything special.

Even after saying goodnight, my heart pounded and I couldn't sleep. What was going on?

I'm finally in love. To feel this kind of emotion that makes my heart race and I can't sleep,

Is this a dream? I was overwhelmed with emotion.

Experiencing love for myself, I finally understood why men wanted to see their girlfriends every day.

The feeling of wanting to hold hands and be physically intimate.

I'm sorry, I understand now.

"You're like Alice in Wonderland."

He misconstrued my skillful dating skills learned through books and theories, and the strange dissonance coming from being a real-life single person as a chameleon-like charm and fell deeper for me.

It was a happy time that felt like it would last forever.

I guess it was White Day. After rejecting him for a night saying I wasn't ready, he seemed to be thinking a lot.

His usually bright face started to have shadows occasionally. He was probably suddenly realizing the reality while being so happy in love.

"I don't think about getting married yet. My family keeps pushing me, but I'm going to tell them to stop stressing me out.

I don't have any savings, and I'm not getting married for the next few years. It feels like a waste of time to hold onto you just because I like you.

If you like me, we can keep dating. But if it doesn't work out, we should just end things."

His words at the bus stop as he was sending me home after our date made my mind go blank.

Who said we should get married? Unbelievable.

At first, anger erupted like a storm, but he was honest, and the decision was mine.

"After dating so well, you suddenly... You're saying you're not thinking about the future with me, right?"

"I looked back to see if I implicitly hinted at marriage. I'm sure I never brought it up."

"So, what did you say?"

"I said I understood and would think about it."

"Have you thought about it?"

"Before I heard that, I was so happy and full of dopamine. But now it feels like you poured cold water all over me."

"If you're against marriage, there's nothing to think about. But you're not."

"I was so excited, happy, and joyful when we were together. I told you, I felt a bit insecure sometimes because of your immature side."

"What do you want to do?"

"From my experience, once this kind of talk comes up, both sides lose interest. I think we should just break up."

Should I try to hold onto him saying we can just enjoy dating since he doesn't want marriage? Or should I just break up? I thought about it dozens of times.

I imagined breaking up after dating well, and I also imagined marriage life. Would I truly be happy?

In the end, I chose to break up.

I'll be 35 next year. It felt like a waste of my youth to just date without a future.

"He emphasized that he'd be a real piece of trash if he was only focused on himself."

"He's not a bad person, but he's selfish and cowardly."

"Yeah, he's not a bad person, but he was cowardly."

"At least he's being honest now. I should be happy about that. He's not a bad person, so it's a relief."

"We were cursing each other for being too quick to fall in love, crying, laughing, and going crazy."

"Still, you handled it well. It seems like it's good for both of you. He'll get his act together and work harder now, and you have good memories."

"But I was so happy..."

I smiled and said goodbye, thanking him for making me happy. He looked more miserable than me despite my smile.

I had a promise with my best friend. We promised to introduce each other to our significant others after 100 days of dating.

We made that promise because we both hadn't been in long-term relationships for so long. My friend married the guy I introduced her to,

and my first real relationship ended a few weeks before the 100-day mark.

I learned that you don't feel regret if you give your all to something.

I loved him with all my heart, and I don't regret it.

But sometimes tears would just burst out, and I'd let the tears flow with the water from the shower.

Just because I don't regret it, doesn't mean I wasn't sad.

I had a dream-like winter.

Now, spring is beckoning me to wake up from the dream and enjoy myself.