Premise: Are you in love with yourself today?

" Loving yourself is the greatest romance of all.
" Oscar Wilde

Situation: A gathering of single people in their thirties and forties who introduce themselves as non-married or DINKs

It was strange to hear. In fact, it seemed like they had come to the meeting because they were more interested in marriage than anyone else, but they were actually introducing their own thoughts on marriage by anticipating the situations that arose from marriage. A man argued the validity of non-marriage, claiming that patriarchal Korean marriage culture has stifled the lives of women in general, while a woman explained why she would not have children based on her own childhood and conversations with her friends about recent parenting. The discussion was quite heated, and the attendees seemed to agree.

However, what I found most interesting was that they were all 'single', meaning that they weren't currently dating anyone.

Phenomenon: How did marriage, one of the processes of a relationship, become a goal?

Marriage is about two people coming together to be together. At least that's how I've seen it and understood it. So I've always thought it was important to know what kind of person you're going to meet and what kind of person you've become.

The following is one of the materials I prepared to facilitate conversations with research participants while conducting a research project on the theme of 'The Changing Relationship We Have with Our Bodies in the AI Age'. This table was provided as a catalyst for conversation to quickly convey the goals and value structure that we aim to achieve in life through our bodies within a limited time and use it as an example to draw out the participant's experiences and perceptions. (Note: The topics I was trying to understand were sex appeal, changing experiences with aging and decay, and the changing meaning of expertise using bodily senses.)

I would say that I largely agree with the above example value structure, which was constructed based on the 1970s, when 'purity' was recognized as an important social value. I've been consistently exercising, applying sunscreen and eye cream since my twenties, trying to build my own style of clothes, and all of these efforts were based on the desire to be seen as an attractive person in a future relationship. My focus on a career to become a recognized expert in a field has been considered an investment in financial stability to maintain a relationship. In other words, all these efforts can be expressed as having a relationship with someone I will walk through life with, a 'romance' that will continue into old age. In that process, the first meeting would take place, we would decide to date, and if we got married, we would think about whether to have children and when it would be good to have them. And I thought this perception wasn't just mine.

However, as the research progressed, I found a common pattern in the responses of those who participated in the research and those I met at the singles' gathering.

High expectations and distant love

One woman said she was very lonely these days after realizing how much she needed someone by her side while she was hospitalized alone due to illness. However, she kept a passive attitude, only mentioning her expectations of a potential partner in terms of their height, appearance, or younger age, rather than hoping for someone to look at her as she is now and take an interest in her. The longer she spent alone, the greater her ideal of love grew, but she remained silent about whether she herself was an ideal love interest.

Marriage is becoming conceptualized

Many of the responses shown by the research participants when they saw the photo of the two old people walking arm in arm were surprisingly uncomfortable and fearful of marriage. The term marriage was not even mentioned in the questionnaire. I was simply curious why marriage came to mind first. Why were single men and women talking about the advantages of non-marriage and separate rooms and sharing their experience of realizing their mistake by attending DINK gatherings where married couples mainly participated? There are many articles already published that analyze this in social and political terms, and there are opinions from so-called experts. But the opinion I felt most sympathetic with was that of a life planner.

"After listening to the big and small financial worries of my clients for decades, I feel like young people these days are afraid of marriage. A vague and endless fear that I might not be a good marriage partner."

Is that why? Even though they don't have someone they're actually dating, I felt that those who discussed the meaning of marriage as a social constraint and social institution and explained the burden of having and raising children were actually quite serious about dating and marriage. Like a reaction of being afraid to approach something you want too much.

Thought: Becoming a mature person in your relationship with yourself is the fastest way

Ultimately, we're looking for someone to be there for us. And if we expect someone to fill in the parts we lack, it's natural. But we need to think seriously about it once in a while. So am I really the kind of person that someone else would desperately want to stay by their side?

There have been a few people in my life who I thought, 'Wow, this person is so attractive, they have a good education and a good family'. And even if I wasn't given attention or was ignored, I made opportunities to eat or talk with them, sometimes by helping them professionally or personally. I could make those opportunities, but I never thought about whether that person would see me at that time and think they wanted to stay by my side.

If I have someone I want and I imagine and expect a relationship with them that will last into old age, then my goal is to become someone who can give that same imagination and expectation to the other person. That's why this goal has felt more real to me. Maybe that's why I found it bittersweet and intriguing to find that the people I met through this research and the singles' gatherings from before were shrinking in front of real-life dating and conceptualizing and analyzing marriage in their imaginations. Of course, I'm single now too, so I can't be complacent about this. But even so, it seems like we need to be honest about our desires and our present.

Due to character limitations, please check the following contents at the link below.

https://durumis.com/ko/@ryan-reason/relationship-journey-being-single-or-dink-h41dpk8o