If that kind of person is okay, then it's okay.

Actually, on the contrary, I've been rejected a lot.

Surprisingly, I was often rejected because I was too tall.

“Didn't you go out wearing high heels?”

“No. I wore these.”

“That's it. Get rid of that ugly hobbit.”

My younger sister comforted me after I was rejected and came home wearing 3cm flats.

I've also been rejected for not dressing well, and for being a nice person but not attractive enough.

I was hurt each time, but I used it as a lesson and worked on my inner and outer self.

A friend's friend. An acquaintance's classmate. A relative's brother-in-law's successor. A friend's husband's classmate.

I've gathered all the connections I could, even my soul, for blind dates, but now I'm 32.

The golden age of my life when men would flock to me has passed, and surprisingly, introductions have stopped.

I didn't show my family until now because it was a matter of pride.

But when I thought about it carefully, it felt unfair.

“Mom, my friends’ parents are always telling them to meet this person and that person.

Why are you two so indifferent to me?”

It's good that you let me do things on my own. That's something I should be very grateful for.

But can’t you at least look around discreetly? I felt a little hurt.

“The person who manages your father's insurance said his son is very diligent and nice. His family is ordinary, so it's a good match.

He's the same age as you. Do you want to meet him?”

It was an introduction after a long time, so my fighting spirit was high and I was excited.

I even found him easy to talk to when I met him. His looks, personality, and hobbies were all ordinary.

He was an ordinary person, in every way I had longed for.

When I complained that women find it hard to meet people after 30,

he said that men find it equally difficult after 30 and actively pursued me.

As the scorching sun gradually turned into warmth, we ended our "썸" and officially started dating.

But I...

didn't feel excited at all.

Is it because I'm getting older? What's so exciting about dating at this age?

Let's say my dating cells are dry because I haven't dated for so long.

But still.

Still, shouldn't it be natural to feel happy and excited when you're with someone you like?

I watched him smile happily at my words during our date and thought.

‘You're so lucky to be that happy.’

At that moment, I felt like something was terribly wrong.

“If that kind of person is okay, then it's okay.” Everyone, including my friends and family, said in unison.

He's a good person overall, so give it a try. Stop looking for flaws and find his good points.

“You'll be 35 soon!”

My mother yelled that if I kept being so picky, I wouldn't find anyone.

I repeated it like a mantra, “It's the right thing to do to meet someone like this.”

I kept feeling unwell and my condition wasn't getting any better. I thought it was just indigestion at first.

I had no appetite, and I couldn't digest food, so I lost over 3kg in just 3 weeks.

My physical strength also decreased and my hands started to tremble.

Even after getting treatment at the hospital and taking medication, my condition didn't improve, and I was terrified.

Something was definitely wrong with my body. They say stomach cancer is common among young people these days.

I even took a day off from work and made an appointment at a big hospital for an endoscopy.

“It's clean. It's normal for the stomach to have some inflammation, but as you can see, there's nothing there.”

“But why is she like this?”

“Well... I can only say it's due to mental stress.”

It was a sleep endoscopy, but I could hear the doctor and my mother talking in my sleep.

Mental stress.

That was even more shocking than a serious illness.

I was surprised that my body could deteriorate so much from mental stress alone, without any other problems.

“Is my sister-in-law looking to date or get married?”

My brother-in-law asked me cautiously because he was curious about my troubles.

“From what I've seen, she seems to want to date.

But maybe she's struggling because she keeps trying to find someone to marry?”

“…….”

“It's the same with dating. When you don't see him, do you miss him and get excited about preparing to meet him?”

“No.”

“Then you're doing it in the wrong order. You don't have to miss him every day, but you should get excited and feel good when you meet him.”

“I'm not a ‘금사빠’ but why can't I keep up with the other person?”

“Then you have to follow your own heart, not his.”

“People have different ways of liking people.”

“You can make an effort because you like him. But it doesn't seem like you're trying to like him.

I don't want my sister-in-law to have to work that hard.”

I felt like I had been hit on the head.

All this time, I had been trying to force myself to like him because he was good enough.

But because I didn't feel any attraction, I had been putting stress on my body because I couldn't like someone "good enough."

I had to make a decision before it was too late.

A cafe in the corner of the entrance to Konkuk University on a Saturday afternoon.

He held my hand tightly as I looked into his eyes and told him the truth calmly.

“Can't I get better at it? It's okay if it takes time.”

He kept rubbing my back to hide his trembling hands.

“I'm sorry. I don't think it will change even if time passes.”

“Really... can't it be helped?”

“You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, so don't keep thinking about what you did wrong and blaming yourself.

It's just... my heart is only this far.”

“I wish I hadn't confessed so soon.”

“I'm sorry.”

“I guess it can't be helped. Thank you for being honest.”

“I'll leave first today. Thank you for everything.”

I came back on the subway after a movie-like farewell and listened to a song.

A song that people say is the saddest song in the world.

It was <널 사랑하지 않아> by Urban Zakapa.